The Iranian Time Machine

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A 27-year-old Iranian scientist named Ali Razeghi has invented a machine that can predict your life five to eight years into the future. That’s what he says anyway, according to a story in The Telegraph. Just touch this personal computer-sized device and “chug, chug, chug” your future will print out with 98 percent accuracy. Wow.

I wonder how it works. I mean, what sorts of details are you getting from “The Aryayek Time Traveling Machine” read-out and how does it convert a touch into something that can see into the future? Wouldn’t a blood sample or maybe my zodiac sign be more useful?

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And is the read-out a chronological list of events, a list of equations, or something more like the reading my wife got from a psychic a few years ago: “You will have two to three children. You will marry once and travel. Someone important to you with a ‘B’ or ‘E’ in their name will fall ill or die and — yes I see this very clearly — your teeth will hurt”? Does this device give chillingly accurate specific stuff like that? Because dude, if you can’t do better than a strip mall psychic, I’m ain’t buying.

The ostensible purpose of this device, which was reportedly developed under the supervision of the Iranian government’s “Center for Strategic Inventions,” is to help the government see into the future and avoid conflicts and other problems. There are no details about which government officials would have to touch the machine in order to do that. I guess you start with the most powerful person in the country and just network from there.

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I’m absolutely sure the most powerful individuals of every country would be thrilled to let everybody know their futures if it would make the world a better place. I mean, seriously, look at how those same leaders are all working so well and efficiently together to solve the future problems that a bunch of climate modelers and thousands of other scientists have already predicted for coming decades. Yeah, this will definitely work!

And imagine the cost savings this device could bring about. No more expensive political campaigns or any need to vote. Just line up all the politicians to touch the machine and then swear them in. And don’t you dare walk up that aisle before you touch it either! What’s the point of marrying someone if the device says you’re just going to divorce them in a couple of years?

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But then again, if you make decisions based on what this device tells you, that could alter the future, which would, I think, reduce the accuracy of the device. Blah, blah, blah! That sort of thinking gets confusing really fast and I’ll not pretend I’m any kind of Dr. Who-like expert on temporal manipulation. I can, however, offer some sound marketing advice to Mr. Razeghi for when he’s ready to mass market his device: fashion the user interface after a crystal ball or a Ouiji board. That’s a sure winner.

There. I said it. The die has been cast. I just wish I had one of those machines here now so I could find out right away whether I’ll get filthy rich from this idea. Then I could retire, this instant, and live off credit cards until the royalties start rolling in. Anyone know how I can get to Tehran, like, right now?

Image: Poster for the 1960 movie adaptation of H.G. Wells’ The Time Machine (WikiCommons)