US Lawgivers Declare 'Man Shall not Kill Ape'


“Ape shall not kill ape,” proclaimed the Lawgiver from the “Planet of the Apes” movie series.

This week, American legislators have paralleled ape law and declared that human shall not kill ape. The Senate Environment and Public Works Committee did it, they finally really did it. They passed a bill, S810, that will phase out the use of chimpanzees in invasive government research. The government must also take its stinking paws off the 500 chimps it currently owns. The chimps will be retired to sanctuaries.

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“This legislation provides the common-sense savings of approximately $25 million of taxpayer money, per year,” said Sen Susan Collins, R-Maine, one of three co-sponsors on the bipartisan bill, in the Morning Sentinel. “The legislation also corrects the pain and psychological damage that apes often experience as a result of needless experiments and solitary confinement.”

Chimps and other great apes may still be used for research if an emerging or re-emerging disease threatens humanity.

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The bill now passes for consideration before the full Senate, which can be a mad house. A mad house!


Models of Cornelius and Dr. Zaius from Planet of the Apes (Patrick Swint, Wikimedia Commons)

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