I'm trying to figure out which monster has the smallest carbon footprint. Here's my list from most eco-friendly to Eco-Scourge Of The Earth.
GHOST: Look...I don't think it's fair to count you in this, ghost, because you don't have an actual physical presence, you don't eat or consume things or do anything except just be there so big deal. If you wanna be a baby about it..FINE - YOU WIN. BLEH. But it's lame. You're just made of air and who knows what else and you're taking the fun out of this for all the other monsters.
*ghost leaves*
OKAY - Now onto the REAL competition (don't tell ghost).
MUMMY: Hey mummy - you WIN! Hands down. CONGRATULATIONS!!! Let's start with your wrappings - presumably hemp - so they're organic and produced locally (way back when). You've reused your wrappings for thousands of years, so kudos for not swapping out when chain mail or polyester or corduroy or spandex hit the scene. On top of THAT you walk everywhere....no transportation-related pollution or costs. You don't even need lights to see, so you are completely off the grid. Well done, mummy. You are a model for eco-friendly haunting.
WITCH: There can't possibly be carbon emissions from spell-casting. Bravo! You reuse EVERYTHING in your cauldrons (name another use for newt eyes. you can't. there aren't any.) Bravo! You travel on a broomstick - zero emissions! Bravo! BUT - I'll bet that broomstick ain't FSC Certified (although locally made???) and you still make your mark on the world by way of clothing every so many years (no amount of magic will keep those duds clean that long with all that newt-stewing going on) and you still eat stuff...so you aren't AS carbon friendly as the mummy. But you're close! (DO NOT cast a carbon-free spell on me for coming in 2nd, witch. Seriously - I'm keeping this list as honest as possible and 2nd place is where you landed. Not my fault.)
FRANKENSTEIN: Eco-friendly as all-get-out at first glance. Everything about you is made with recycled parts which were initially powered by renewable energy (lightning). And you don't seem to change your clothes much, so there's some reuse going on there (although Frank - IF you happen to sweat a lot when you walk, I'm sure others would appreciate a quick laundering...just sayin'). But here's the thing - you still eat food and what kind of energy went into your creation BEFORE the lighting strike? Your doctor spent YEARS working on you, using tons of carbon-based energy and because of that I can't make you first. Plus I don't trust that those bolts in your neck aren't made of some toxic metal like arsenic or something that makes frogs grow extra limbs. You frighten me. Sorry.
WEREWOLF: You are just like a normal person except you turn into a wolf and need new clothes every time you Wolf Out in a track suit or whatever you wear most of the time. Here's where you have an argument (I guess...). You consume locally grown food (your neighbors) and don't waste your victims...UNLESS you let them live which makes more werewolves which then creates the need for more new clothes, which are likely being transported from overseas using fossil fuels. So nevermind. You have no argument.ZOMBIE: You have some strong points working in your favor. You eat locally (neighbors, unsuspecting baby-sitters, anyone you see at the supermarket), you walk everywhere and you seem content to reuse what you have when it comes and apparel and tools. However, you are very wasteful when you do eat (would it kill you to eat any other parts? oh wait...you're Undead already) and you create such a mess around you as to require replacements of windows, walls, cars, more windows, etc. That is LANDFILL FAIL. In this sense you are like a mini-hurricane that creates piles of refuse for very selfish reasons. Then you go and create more zombies like you who do the exact same thing in other places. We are not impressed with your behavior, Zombie. You are extremely wasteful.
DRACULA: Sorry Drac - you lose. Fangs down. You stay alive for however many hundreds of years and use houses and cars and iPods and TVs and suck power from the grid as much as you do blood from your victims' necks. Plus you don't use sunlight as natural light since you only roll at night, which means you have to have things turned on all night long. ELECTRICITY FAIL. And as if that wasn't enough!!!! - every time you bite someone, you suck their blood and leave all the other parts - wasteful! And if you don't kill your victim then you create a new energy/blood sucking vampire which only creates a positive feedback loop wasting even more energy over the long run. I give you kudos for turning into a bat to travel, but I wouldn't even consider bumping you up the list if your coffins were produced with eco-friendly reclaimed wood. Which they probably aren't because you don't care about anything other than bloodmeals. LAME LAME LAME!!!! Dracula is Eco-Scourge Of The Earth.
Credit where credit is due: Thanks to Lauren for making sure I included all the ghouls.
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